"World's Finest Mix-Up" - Part Three

 

Part Three

            “Well, don’t just stand there, lil’ bro! C’mere and give your big ol’ sis a hug!”

            Without warning, Elvira took Craig by the hand and yanked him into a hug. It was the biggest, tightest, and most uncomfortable hug Craig had ever experienced. His large head was wedged into Elvira’s robust bosom. He could feel both of her hearts thumping in her chest – she was definitely a Time Lord. But he wasn’t entirely sure if she was the Time Lord he knew.

            “I…can’t…breathe!” Craig muffled.

            “Oh! I love you, too, lil’ bro!” Elvira said, verging on tears.

            Craig managed to pull himself out of her massive grip after nearly suffocating for nearly a whole minute. Taking a deep breath, he repeated his muffled words, “I said that I couldn’t breathe!”

            “Oh,” Elvira uttered, visibly embarrassed. “Well, you look great!” She playfully rubbed her fingers through his short curly hair.

            Craig didn’t appreciate the sentimental gesture, swatting her hand away.

            “Look!” he exclaimed, startling Elvira. “I don’t know you! You say you’re Neas, but I just saw Neas – and that version didn’t look like you!”

            Elvira scoffed. “Lemme guess: tall blonde with a sunny disposition? Yeah, honey, I remember being her, and lemme tell ya somethin’ – I had one serious snoring problem in that regeneration! Keep that in mind if you ever sleep in the same room.”

            Craig shook his head, feeling dizzy. “This is all too much!” He gazed around at his new surroundings, seeing that he was in the middle of the street in a rather dangerous-looking neighborhood. The apartment buildings were in dismal conditions and there was garbage littered over the sidewalks. “Where am I? It smells really bad!”

            “Gotham City in Earth-89,” Elvira told him. “And you get used to the smell…eventually.”

            HONK! HONK!

            Their conversation was disrupted with the aggravated honks from a vehicle that pulled up behind Elvira’s Macabre Mobile, which was blocking traffic. The driver, a balding middle-aged Caucasian man, stuck his head out from the driver’s side window and yelled, “Hey, c’mon! Move that hunk of junk or get it outta dah street!”

            “C’mon, lil’ bro,” Elvira invited Craig. “Hop on into my car, and I’ll take ya back to my TARDIS. It’s just a few blocks from here. Eddie’s probably still waitin’ for me.”

            “Eddie?” Craig said as he got into Elvira’s car.

            “My traveling companion,” Elvira elucidated, settling into the driver’s seat. “He’s got a bit of a…How should I put this? Well, ‘parasite’ is the best way to put it, but I wouldn’t say it around him.”

            “Around Eddie?” Craig inquired.

            “No, around the parasite,” Elvira remarked.

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            When Craig and Elvira arrived at the location of Elvira’s TARDIS, Craig expected to see the same tall, black rectangular solid that he commonly associated with the name. Instead, what he saw was a two-story house that looked to be in need of renovation. Luckily, it was in the process of one, thanks to a bunch of helpful teenagers working around the property.

            “I thought you said we were going to your TARDIS,” Craig confronted Elvira, his suspicions of her were more evident than before.

            “We are and we’re here!” Elvira told him. She then turned to the working teenagers and said, “Hey, everybody! You’re doin’ an excellent job!” Gesturing to Craig, she added, “I like for you to meet a good friend of mine. His name’s Craig. Say hello.”

            The teens gave Craig a warm welcome, and Craig could only offer an awkward wave in return. He still wasn’t entirely sure as to what was going on.

            “Miss Elvira,” one of the teenage boys – a strapping young blonde in a tight white tee and gym shorts – approached, carrying two paint cans. “What color do you want the house to be in? Pink or blue?”

            Elvira shot him a dirty look. “Pink?! Really, Jerry? Take a good look at me.”

            “Yes, ma’am!” Jerry happily obliged, his eyes deeply focused on every inch of her.

            After three long minutes, she told him, “O.K. That’s enough. You get my point.”

            “Not sure that I do, ma’am,” Jerry said. “But I’ll go with the blue.”

            Elvira rolled her eyes in annoyance as Jerry walked off. She heard Craig ask of the young man, “What’s wrong with that guy?”

            “Hormones,” Elvira replied.

            Elvira led Craig into the house. The inside appeared as dour as the outside, and Craig figured it to be the next step in the renovation. His confusion (and suspicions) peeked once Elvira brought him to a broom closet that she opened, as if to walk right into it. But, rather than an enclosed space filled with cleaning supplies, Craig saw what appeared to be a TARDIS console room.

            It was more spacious than the one he stood in recently and nearly as much as Maureen’s. The only difference was the lighting. Whereas as Kara’s and Maureen’s were brightly lit, Elvira’s was much dimmer and even a bit spooky, which seemed to be the motif she was going for. To Craig, it looked like the lair of an evil scientist with roundels on the walls lit in a blood-red hue and the time rotor at the center of the room sparkling with dark purple energy. Gallifreyan symbols illuminated along the sleek black floor.

            Regardless of how foreboding it all appeared, it was still a TARDIS.

            “How…?” Craig began.

            Elvira was prepared for his surprised reaction and explained, “I had a chameleon circuit installed. It took me a couple of eons to get around to it, but I finally did it.”

            “Do all those big kids outside know your house is really a TARDIS?”

            “Nah. They’re totally clueless.”

            “Who are they anyway?”

            “Oh, just a few Gothamites who happen to be big fans of my show.”

            “You have your own show?! Can we watch it sometime?”

            “Ehhh…I think you’re a little too young for it.”

            They soon heard footsteps resonating from across the room, followed by a New York-accented voice that playfully said, “The Mistress of the Dark finally returns!” Craig noticed it was a scruffy-looking man in his thirties, presumably the “Eddie” that Elvira had referred to earlier.

            That much was verified when Elvira approached the man and said, “Eddie, meet my lil’ bro, Craig.”

            “What’s happenin’, Craig.” Eddie stuck out his fist for Craig to bump. Then, out of nowhere, Eddie blurted out, “No! He is not a snack Elvira brought for us! We talked about this, man. We cannot eat everyone we meet – just the bad guys.”

            Craig was beyond puzzled over Eddie’s outburst. “Is he…talking to me?”

            “Remember the P-A-R-A-S-I-T-E I mentioned?” Elvira whispered to him.

            “The parasite?” Craig spelled out.

            “Parasite?!” a new voice roared. It was gravelly and monstrous in tone.

            Suddenly, something oozed out from Eddie’s back: a second head that was black, slimy, and had razor-sharp teeth and a long, foul tongue that slithered out. It looked on Craig, who was paralyzed with fear.

            “Who you callin’ a parasite, pipsqueak?!” It stormed on the ten-year-old.

            “Calm down, Venom!” Elvira ordered. “I was the one who called you ‘parasite’!”

            “There! You did it again!” The creature known as “Venom” growled. “I don’t like being called that! APOLOGIZE!”

            Eddie could only stand in between the feuding duo and allow them to air out their grievances. When it was over, he looked to the mortified Craig and told him, “I promise it’s not like this all the time.”

            Craig nervously chuckled. “It’s nothing compared to Thanksgiving at my house.”

            Moving on from Venom, Elvira turned to her TARDIS computer and inputted some information. The chilling broadcast of the other Joker played on the console monitor. “Who is that guy?” Venom asked. “Is he a bad guy?”

            “The absolute worst,” Elvira said.

            “So we get to eat him, right?”

            “Of course,” Elvira permitted. “I think you’re due for a Happy Meal. All I have to do is reroute the signal from the broadcast to pinpoint this Joker’s precise location.”

            Her attempt to do so was foiled when a live broadcast of a bearded man with a sinister glare took over the airwaves. “I am General Zod,” he addressed from a rural location, his voice carrying a British accent. “I speak to the people of the planet Earth. I have conquered one of your cities – Houston – with flawless ease. Now I will conquer the rest of your—”

            This broadcast was abruptly interrupted by another transmission.

            Static flooded the screen with the words “YOU ARE NOT ALONE” flashing in sporadic intervals. This pattern continued until the outline of a man appeared, accompanied by his commanding voice.

            “People of Earth, pay no mind to the imposter you just heard. He is not General Zod. I am General Zod. At this current time, my ship is in orbit of your planet, searching for an individual your world has sheltered. I request that you return him to my custody. For reasons unknown, he has chosen to keep his existence a secret from you. He will have made efforts to blend in. He will look like you, but he is not one of you. To those of you who may know of his current location: the fate of your planet rests in your hands. To Kal-El, I say this: surrender within 24 hours, or watch this world suffer the consequences. And to my imposter…I will find you.”

            As soon as the surprise transmission from the other Zod ended, Elvira was left looking at a blank monitor screen with her bewildered face reflecting back at her.

            Two Jokers, now two General Zods.

            How much worse could it get?